The Shaun Guide to Pussies Part II – Plumbing the Depths

SOME WEEKS back, I imparted a small part of my sexual knowledge to my readers by creating Shaun’s Guide to Pussies: Part I. Satisfied by my good deed, I returned to my ruminations over the more “advanced” topics of sexuality, such as whether men can or even should lick their own nipples.

Lost as I was in consulting with varied arcane and learned web pages, I forgot all about the plight of you readers. For you all have proved what the internet says that Alexander Pope is often misquoted as having said: “A little knowledge is a dangerous thing.”

Shortly after I published my guide, emails came flooding in from unfortunate readers who had gotten themselves into a something of a pussy pickle. Which, by the way, tastes disgusting. So that’s fact one.

Let’s take a look at some of the feedback I received:

HERE BE DRAGONS

“Shaun

I read with great excitement your article on pussies. Soon after I read it I knew I had to put my new knowledge into action. I had grown a beard just like yours and so it was a simple matter to get a girl home. I used the compliments you suggested to feed its ego (it was a little uneven) and tousled it’s hair and it opened right up!

The problem is it’s still open and I can’t get it to leave! It’s just gaping at me. What do I do now?

-Jethro”

Well, first, Jethro, you can get a new name. Ha! But of course, since you wrote two weeks ago, I doubt you are alive, having doubtless since been devoured by the pussy. Don’t invite a lion home if you don’t have anything to feed it, folks!

But another missive, first:

“Hi Shaun,

I need a little help. I was perusing your website and saw the ancient words you had transcribed for us in your guide to pussies. As student of linguistics, I was fascinated! I then read them aloud to get a feel for the words. The problem is, I am a woman! My pussy was immediately wrenched open. Four hours later, I still can’t get it closed, and despite the severe cramping the thing only seems to be widening. I can no longer walk because I cannot force my legs close enough together.

HELP!”

You’re right, being a woman is a problem! Double-“ha”! I scarcely know what I would do if one of those ferocious beasts grew upon my own body.

Now, attentive readers will recall that I did warn against this happening in the previous guide, but even linguists can have poor reading comprehension skills, I suppose.

So it’s time for another lesson. Of course, as the internet says that Albert Einstein said, “A little knowledge is a dangerous thing. So is a lot.” On the plus side, even if a lot of knowledge is a dangerous thing, it might stop you readers from writing me so much.

A clever--if somewhat smug--guy, after proving his Theory of General Femininity he spent the rest of his life attempting a Unified Theory of Vaginal Circumference.

Both these readers have a common problem, based in what should be common knowledge: a pussy, once opened, will not typically close unless it is filled.

Hold on, though. Don’t just stick any old thing in there! There is some work to be done, first. You still need to determine the temperament and the appetite of the pussy. Stick a dick in there and you’re liable to lose it.

Use something you don’t mind losing. I admit fingers are often used because a clever pussy can tell the difference between a living and an inanimate substitute, and because they tend to be on-hand. (“On-hand!” Man, am I handy with finger puns!)

I have other suggestions, however. Try a hot dog, or a sausage. It doesn’t matter that it isn’t alive, because the vagina’s carnivorous tendencies will overcome it, and it will clamp down on the beefy decoy.

Some companies, further, create a product known as a “dildo”, which can be used to test the depth and ferocity of a vagina. This sturdy decoy is shaped and sometimes colored like a penis, though sometimes they are clear or sparkly or even glow-in-the-dark, which can be a lot of fun! The more expensive dildos can withhold the gnashings of the average pussy, though like any material, they can only hold up to so much.

A surfboard is a poor substitute for a proper dildo.

If you use a penis-substitute, try not to stand directly in front of the pussy. A pussy, once roused in anger, will sometimes spit out anything that has been placed in it. In the worst case scenario, it will clamp down and spin gyroscopically, whirling the object about itself with frightening speed. A man inadvertently flogged in this manner is known as “pussy-whipped”, and there are entire industries of personal injury lawyers known as “pussy-chasers” who will lock onto a woman known to be in possession of a ferocious pussy, peddling their services to any unfortunate boyfriends she may acquire.

Now, though perhaps I should have mentioned this earlier, there are cases where you can tell immediately that a pussy is “sanguinated”—that is, it has formed a taste for blood. A pussy that has drawn blood will constantly salivate a ruddy mixture of tell-tale juices. If you should ever pry open a pussy and notice this crimson warning sign, shoot the woman in the head. Right there, right then. You’ve seen Old Yeller, yes? Just like that. Take her round back. And shoot her.

As for the pussy itself, the only cure is fire. And lots of it. Pussies are able symbiotes that, once they detect that their host-woman is deceased, will frequently detach themselves and crawl about in search of a new partner/attractor of food.

Images on the internet... you can't make that shit up.

Now, let’s say you’ve soothed the pussy with a snack, or else have determined that you have successfully located a sufficiently docile pussy and wish to have intercourse with it. Well, it’s time! Quick as you can, insert your penis and wait a few seconds. Then finished, you should be able to pull it out of there again before anything “awakens”, shall we say. Good thing, too! This is all quite the adrenaline rush, but sometimes it’s just not worth it. Ask the millions of men out there missing fingers, and even toes!

I myself have an acquaintance whom we all call “One-Finger Charlie” after a pussy with a particularly sense of cruel irony took each finger except the actual offender. Don’t ever let anyone tell you they aren’t self-aware on some level. Some have even been proven to be moderately intelligent.

In the late 1980’s, a pussy that had long since been caged and domesticated was proven able to perform simple math by flapping its labia certain numbers of times in response to verbal questioning and promises of “treats” in the form of those mini hot-dog things. Unfortunately, accusations of “coaching” on the part of the pussy’s handler could never be completely disproved, since all-too-soon after the initial paper was published, the pussy escaped; the handler was soon thereafter found dead of blood loss from a gaping wound in his groin.

Happy fucking!

Stay tuned for Shaun’s Guide to Pussies Part III – Butt Pussy.